I know there are no words but I 'ppreciate the love and support, fam. Realness, it's one of the reasons I always come back despite the shitposting. I adore this sub and hate the doctors and nurses who are paid to listen so this is kinda therapeutic when I know they're going to be trying to pick my brain for awhile. But i don't even really know what happens next yk?
I wish I had my earbuds rn so i could start. We're two fucked up people burying our real friend on Friday but Kanye's going to save me, take me up and out of this hell, I know it. He's not a Kanye hater but not a fan and he's still listening, so i did something right, fam. He actually slept through the rest of the night and requested it again on our way to grief counselling yesterday. He fell asleep drunk with his head in my lap and I didn't want him to be alone.all night long every 30 minutes or so he'd wake up screaming or whimpering and at 3am i finally said fuck it and put 808s low on his ears. I stayed overnight with my living friend two nights ago. Nothing really touches this anxiety anyway. And now I'm in this lovely place, a 'benzodiazepine abuser' enroute to a psych ward, which is funny and minimizing because I was just prescribed them last week and am now banned from ever taking them again and that's ok. I should've gone to them like I was meant to, kept my head straight, hugged and held and rubbed backs like I've been doing everyday/all day since Monday but I decided to stay home alone listening to 808s and maybe would've unintentionally died myself if it wasn't for my roommate. No, it's fucking not getting more real and everyone around me is breaking, losing it, expecting me to be there because that's what I do. Like, this isn't getting better even though I keep telling myself and everyone around me, "it's getting more real" etc. On Sunday morning I went to get my living friend out of hospital and touched the spot in the dirt where the other died. A 25 yr old is dead, and a 24 yr old is alive rn because of it. Please, r/kanye, never be too cool for the safe belt make that promise. One of my best friends died instantly in a car accident on Saturday night and his best friend (another brother-like friend) walked away without a scratch. I haven't slept, barely eaten, thrown up more than I ever have in my years combined. Everything's been a blur since Sunday morning. idkīy 10am I was at my doctor and 11am at the psych intake for assessment, after which I was advised to voluntarily commit myself for medication induced sleep, monitoring, evaluation, med change + nutrition. I don't remember even going to bed, or was i in bed the whole time listening to Ye. I listened to 808s on repeat all night and tried to cry and it was still up on my phone when my roommate shook me awake at 5am choking on my own puke. I hurt a few friends and the evidence is in the text and vm, like next level anger, I'm not used to feeling or showing that.
I posted on r/kanye like everything was cool while drinking, then had verbal and text talks with people I love, not one conversation which I can remember other than vaguely. You see, last night I took too many (prescribed) anti-anxiety meds with probably 6-10?drinks in a short period of time which is a lot for me.
I'm so bored and sad, and my phone will be taken once I get moved so I'm just going to write this and post it later if they move they move me soon. I've been laying in ER since about 11am this morning waiting for a bed to open up in psychiatric. Also anonymously because I don't want my regular /u/ to be associated with headcase. I'm posting on r/kanye because it's been a home to me for a few months now and probably the most real sub on reddit, at least imo. Mega vent/saddness incoming, will fully understand if you (actually encourage you to) runaway.
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